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Pages: Long time SAHM's resume [1]
Author Topic: Long time SAHM's resume
swanzy

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Posts: 1

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2010-09-21 15-43-11

Long time SAHM's resume I've been looking for work recently and one place asked for my resume. I wrote this, jokingly, and thought I'd share. I didn't actually give it to any employers. (yet) Objective To achieve success and prosperity in an exciting career that requires little to no effort on my part. Failing that, I’d like to wow you so thoroughly with this resume that I am rewarded with gainful employment in spite of the fact that I have no real workforce experience to speak of. If by chance that plan also proves unsuccessful, I will then try my best to distract you from candidates far more qualified than myself until they leave frustrated and you are left with a singular option (that being me, naturally). Qualifications Certifiable domiciliary manager with eleven years of experience. The full-time supervisor of three subordinates who specialize in insubordination- a.k.a. a stay at home mom of three sometimes unruly boys who often feels as though she’s hanging onto sanity by a shoestring. I don’t know if I’m qualified, but I‘ve got talent like nobody‘s business. Even after a day so long and hectic I dare not elaborate (lest you have such nightmares you’re rendered speechless and therefore unable to me with a job offer) I can easily manage to pack three sack lunches with a toddler on my hip while explaining to a 5th grader with ADD why mastering prime factorization is a worthy endeavor that will take him far in life. Our conversation will be constantly interrupted by a precocious seven year old who insists that there has GOT to be a number that comes after googolplex and if I’m so smart, why won’t I tell him what it is? This is inevitably the moment that the love of my life, the apple of my eye and the father of my spawn will poke his head into the kitchen to let me know that he‘d really love to be surprised by some fresh-baked cookies in his lunch tomorrow, hint, hint. All of which will be no problemo once I help rug rats one and two with their homework, read them a story, usher them into the bathroom so I can be sure that they brush and floss and rinse, then tuck them in snug as a bug in a rug and cuddle with them for a minute or two before boy number three remembers that he’s a very jealous little thing and why is Mommy paying attention to someone else
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nolasco

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Posts: 9

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2010-10-06 19-50-08

continued anyway when he’s so pitifully ing momomomomomomom from the next room? One baba, one warm bath and two relatively mild temper tantrums later (because we save the huge meltdowns for trips to the store), kid number three is diapered, smooched and dreaming away by the time the dishwasher is un and re-loaded. The house is quiet, the cookies are baked and I don’t care if it kills me, this momma is going to have some me time. Dostoevsky is buried somewhere in the rubble on the living room floor, but a dog-eared copy of a Lemony Snicket book peeks out at me from an unzipped backpack a mere arm‘s length away. Sorry, Fyodor old chum, but it seems that tonight will be A Series of Unfortunate Events for me. Pun, you say? What pun? Education The finest liberal arts education that $17,000 and change can buy (English major, which I‘m sure you guessed by now, you clever devil, you. Incidentally, that explains the horrific punctuation. I’m creatively expressing my individuality and refusal to conform by shirking grammatical responsibility- just like the post-modern authors who came before me. e.e. cummings and me, we make our own rules, see?). Anyhoo, I’m currently involved in a stalemate with the University of Iowa regarding the final nine semester hours required for my B.A. Bureaucratic red tape and sadistic educational advisors insist I satisfy inane university requirements for foreign language. My overtaxed, ADD-addled noggin and the brilliant psychologist who studied it agree that there is no way that’s happening, bucko. Relevant Experience Apropos of what, exactly? If you’re looking for someone with the experiences I’ve mentioned herein, then you sir or madam, are a twisted individual and I’m not so sure I care to work for you after all. (Kidding, of course. You would be exactly the sort of twisted individual I long to work for.) Have you lost weight? No really, you look different somehow. It’s a good different though. Kind of like when a person has an exciting new element in their life and they look flushed and excited. Usually that look is associated with the development of a new relationship.
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Jorrie

Sr. Member
Posts: 3

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2010-10-11 3-30-37-

continued one more time I don’t mean a romantic one- it could be anything. Making a new friend, getting a pet hamster, finding just the right person for that position you’ve been trying to fill. It’s hard telling, really. Like I said, it could be anything.
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  • swett

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    Posts: 10

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    2010-10-12 9-38-00-

    Very entertaining!
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  • mcenerney

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    Posts: 15

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    2010-10-12 10-02-33

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL That's awesome. I've ALWAYS wanted to do a resume like that. You gotta add "anyway, hire me" at the end.
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